I started 2013 a hot mess. I had newborn twins plus a toddler, no
sleep, no permanent employment and plenty of baby weight (you know, the kind you blame on the babies for
two years). I was convinced this whole house of cards would fall (and explode into a fiery mess, leaving only ashes and my baby weight behind). I was way less happy than I should have been
and just totally terrified.
If you're like me, and you change careers and add twins to your life, things can get ugly. Real ugly. Like Roseanne Barr in "She-Devil" ugly. But in the process, I gained clarity on how amazing this life is and how truly unkind I'd been to myself for many years. I got out of my own head (which was filled with messages of failure, shame and inadequacy - can you believe it?) and realized that I'm good enough. Today. Right now. In tattered yoga pants and last night's (make that two nights ago) make-up. Little ol' broken down me is just fine. Whew! What a relief.
With the compassion and help of a few key people and a whole lot of
loving kindness, I ended 2013 as a more honest, authentic, loving and present
version of myself. I stopped beating myself up at the gym and told the bitchy
voices in my head to zip it. I let go of the crutches I thought I needed and didn't even realize I'd been using. I sat
down with my babies and just enjoyed everything about them. I stopped leaving them to rush to do this or that meaningless task. I stopped checking out of my own life (with the gym, with wine, with other things that held no real value) because it felt like I'd been given too much and I was afraid to receive it. I let go of control I never really had.
I got real about expectations. I burned the picture of what I thought I should
be, and fell in love with what really is.
2014 is SO on. Thank you, friends. You may be unaware that your big or
small act of loving kindness created another solid place for me to take a step
back to being OK. And baby, I'm so back, but with more humility, thankfulness and
peace than I ever thought I'd have. With a super-human husband and three happy, healthy daughters that I love and enjoy more each precious day, this work-in-progress continues, evolving and renovating, kissing the ground in gratitude all along the way.
P.J. for never leaving my side and showing me that unconditional love exists in marriage.
Lulu, Elle and Tali for making me a mother and showing me what real joy feels like.
My friend and our nanny Ashley, for
helping us raise our daughters and keep this whole thing together.
My mother Lynn for walking next to
me through darkness into light.
P.J.’s parents Bob & Ann for so
much love and presence and time given selflessly to keep us going.
John, my brother, for helping me to
start a little independent business and get some momentum with some awesomely helpful people.
David, my brother, for giving me
some great work and a computer to get me going.
Fran, my aunt, for giving me a wonderful project that gave me confidence, hope and a non-profit sample!
Gina, for giving me a chance at the job that I
love. For waving your fabulous wand and making me a copywriter.
Kristen, godmother, for always showing
up, participating and giving us your energy, time and love.
Van, godmother, for snuggling them,
for loyalty and trust, for laughter and tears and Florida.
Alisha, for shared reality of
motherhood, for unexpected moments of laughter at ourselves and others, and for sisterhood for all these years.
Robin Phipps Woodall, for sharing your gift with all of humanity (and believe me, you're going to reach all of humanity),
your devotion to the truth and wholeness in all of us.
Denise Watson, for walking me back to myself and for teaching me to cast off the phony crap and live and love by the truth, always.
For many others (pretty much everyone I am in touch with, consider yourself right here), your timing was perfect. Every time you gave me a chance, an opportunity, a phone number, an idea, a laugh, a compliment, a moment of vulnerability, a warm body to stand by, a text, a phone call, a chance to help, an email, a chat, a like, a smile, a hug, an offer of assistance, a bit of honesty … every time you reached out to connect, you gave me energy and showed me that that the universe and all of its beings are good – perfect, really – and that for better or worse, I am held. We all are always and forever held and loved and more than enough.
Happy New Year!
